So Im in class again and you know the routine.
Lots of Jokes. Are all of them funny? No. Are some of them? Yeah. Are all of them about lawyers? Yes. Do you see the relevance here?
Memorize them folks…when you tell me a lawyer joke in the future it better be funny, unless I fail out of law school in which case even the word lawyer will probably make me break out in tears.
But seriously, we all know that there are really only three jokes about lawyers. The rest are true stories.
Lots of jokes after the break.
Did you hear about the bus full of lawyers that drove off the side of a cliff? You know what’s really tragic about it? Not all of the seats will filled.
Why don’t sharks bite lawyers?
Professional courtesy
What do you call 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A start, only a start
What’s the difference between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer?
There’s brake marks in front of the skunk.
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeemer!!!”, he whined.
“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!”
“Oh my gaaad….”, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex???!!!!!”
Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet under? Because deep down, they’re really good people.
A small farming community in Kansas where the young leave town ASAP and the old folks meet mornings at the local cafe only had one lawyer who was barely scratching out a living. Then one day something wonderful happened – another lawyer moved into town. Those fortunate people never knew they had so many legal problems.
“What do I owe on by bill this month?” asked a client. “Put a hundred down on it for this month” replied the JD. Client leaves and the JD picks up two crisp new hundreds stuck together.
JD’s ethical dilemma: tell his partner?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
A lawyer, the Dalai Lama and the Pope are all at the Pearly Gates one day going through the check in process. St. Peter says to the Pope, “Your Holiness, your papers are all set, and your cabin awaits. Have a nice eternity”. St. Peter then turns to the Dalai Lama and says, “You’re all set too, enlighened one, Take a left at the first cloud and you’ll see your bungalow. Enjoy this incarnation” St. Peter then looks at the lawyer and says. “Counselor, here’s your key, and your chauffeur will drive you to your mansion. Have a great afterlife”
The lawyer is astonished and says, “The Pope has to walk to his tiny cabin, the Dalai Lama strolls down to a little bungalow and I get a chauffeur and a mansion! How come?” St Peter just smiles and says, “We get Popes and Dalai Lamas coming out of our ears up here. Your’e the first lawyer we’ve ever had.”
A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a nickel. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickel and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, ‘I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?’
‘No,’ the woman replied. ‘Divorce attorney.’
A man and his fiancee are killed in a car crash two days before they’re scheduled to be married. They end up together in front of St. Peter and say, “St. Peter, we were about to get married. Can we still get married in heaven?” St. Peter replies, “Hmm, good question, let me check,” and walks away. The couple figures he’ll be back shortly, but it’s been a half hour and he’s still not back. Six hours, still not back. The next day, still not back. A week later, still not back. Four months later, St. Peter finally comes back and says, “Yes, you can get married in heaven.” The couple is happy, but then they ask, “St. Peter, that’s great, but what if it doesn’t work out? Can we get divorced in heaven?” St. Peter just looks at them for a second and explodes. “GIVE ME A BREAK! It took me FOUR MONTHS to find a priest, and now you want me to find a LAWYER?”
Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
A: Redundant.
Trial Lawyer is miserable. Can’t win a case, and now, he isnt’ even being retained. He’s alone in his den one night, when Beeazlebub makes an appearance. He guarantees Shyster he’ll win ever case, be awarded every judgment he seeks, and soon, head the biggest firm in NY, with his name on the door. “Just one thing,” says our horned devil. He points to the picture of Shyster’s wife and three lovely children. “Upon their death, the souls of your wife and children will be committed to me for all attorney.”
Shyster sits up, and takes notice. “Hey, ” he says. “What’s the catch???”
For 101 years this word scramble has never been solved by a lawyer
“ticehs”
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool. He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going tonight?”
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, “I’ll screw anybody at any time, any where — your place or my place, it doesn’t matter one iota.”
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, “No s#it!?! What law firm do you work for?”
Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? He gets taller.
A young boy walked up to his father and asked, “Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?”
The father thought for a moment. “Yes son,” he replied, “Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case.”
Last January the heat went out in the courthouse. It was so cold the lawyers had their hands in their _own_ pockets.
My personal favorite comes straight from the mouth of Chief Justice John Roberts:
“I don’t tell lawyer jokes. Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and non-lawyers don’t think they’re jokes.”
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities
Q-What is the difference between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer, both laying in the road?
A-A skunk will have skid marks in front of it.
How much does it cost for engineer brain?”
“Three dollars an ounce.”
“How much does it cost for programmer brain?”
“Four dollars an ounce.”
“How much for lawyer brain?”
“$1,000 an ounce.”
“Why is lawyer brain so much more?”
“Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?”
A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:
“Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn’t you. -$50.00.”
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
“I’m an attorney,” the wincing man said, “and this is going to cost you $5000.”
“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry,” the concerned golfer replied. “But I did yell ‘fore’.”
“I’ll take it,” the attorney said.
Double jeopardy is when a lawyer calls in his partner.
There’s an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight.
Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called “Divorced Barbie”?
A: Yeah, it comes with half of Ken’s things and alimony.
Q: What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside
Mixed emotions is defined as watching your attorney drive off a cliff in your new car!
Professionals were being interviewed for the first manned mission to Mars where there was no return.
The first said all I want is $1 million to leave to charity.
The Second said all I want is $2 million, 1 for charity and 1 for my family.
The people had strongly urged the commission to send a lawyer, which the commission agreed to discuss stating finally a place where a counsel cannot bill, to which the lawyer said I want $3 million.
The Commissioner said why and the lawyer said “I’ll take a million, you take a million and we can just send the first guy to Mars on the last million.”
Did you know that 99% of lawyers give the other 1% a bad name?
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 60?
“Your honor.”
Q. What does a sperm and a lawyer have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.
Old Farmer John was driving his truck along a country road one evening when a Mercedes with four lawyers sped around the curve ahead and crashed into his truck.
Luckily, Farmer John wasn’t badly injured, the lawyers weren’t so lucky. Being a practical man, Farmer John buried the four of them beside the road, said a quick prayer and drove on into town to find the marshal.
FJ: Marshal, I’m afraid I hit four lawyers in my truck. They didn;t make it, so I buried ‘em.
M: My God, John! Are you sure they were dead?!?
FJ: Well, they said they wasn’t, but you know how them fellers lie.
A truck on the way to a pet shop hits a bump in the road, causing two boxes to fall off. One box contains fertile duck eggs; the other contains fertile snake eggs. Every egg is smashed, except for one in each box. It’s a warm sunny day so the two remaining eggs hatch. After they hatch, the little duckling and little snake notice each other.
“What just happened?”, the snake asks the duck. “I’m not sure, but think we just hatched from our eggs”, the duck replies.
“Wow”, says the snake, “here we are, and we don’t even know what kind of animals we are”.
“Well”, says the duck, “we can try to guess”. “I’ll give it a shot”, responds the snake.”
“You’re yellow, fuzzy, have a bill, and wattle when you walk: you must be a duckling”. “I think you’re right!”, the duck replies.
“I’ll give it a shot too. You’re slimy, spineless, low-to-the-ground, and have no balls: you must be a lawyer!”
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a hooker? The hooker doesn’t screw the dead.
A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:
“Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn’t you. -$50.00.”
“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?”
said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose
to his feet.
“Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” inquired
the teacher with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you
standing up there all by yourself.”
Why don’t sharks bite lawyers?
Professional courtesy
What do you call 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A start, only a start
What’s the difference between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer?
There’s brake marks in front of the skunk.
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeemer!!!”, he whined.
“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!”
“Oh my gaaad….”, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex???!!!!!”
Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet under? Because deep down, they’re really good people.
A small farming community in Kansas where the young leave town ASAP and the old folks meet mornings at the local cafe only had one lawyer who was barely scratching out a living. Then one day something wonderful happened – another lawyer moved into town. Those fortunate people never knew they had so many legal problems.
“What do I owe on by bill this month?” asked a client. “Put a hundred down on it for this month” replied the JD. Client leaves and the JD picks up two crisp new hundreds stuck together.
JD’s ethical dilemma: tell his partner?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
A lawyer, the Dalai Lama and the Pope are all at the Pearly Gates one day going through the check in process. St. Peter says to the Pope, “Your Holiness, your papers are all set, and your cabin awaits. Have a nice eternity”. St. Peter then turns to the Dalai Lama and says, “You’re all set too, enlighened one, Take a left at the first cloud and you’ll see your bungalow. Enjoy this incarnation” St. Peter then looks at the lawyer and says. “Counselor, here’s your key, and your chauffeur will drive you to your mansion. Have a great afterlife”
The lawyer is astonished and says, “The Pope has to walk to his tiny cabin, the Dalai Lama strolls down to a little bungalow and I get a chauffeur and a mansion! How come?” St Peter just smiles and says, “We get Popes and Dalai Lamas coming out of our ears up here. Your’e the first lawyer we’ve ever had.”
A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a nickel. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickel and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, ‘I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?’
‘No,’ the woman replied. ‘Divorce attorney.’
A man and his fiancee are killed in a car crash two days before they’re scheduled to be married. They end up together in front of St. Peter and say, “St. Peter, we were about to get married. Can we still get married in heaven?” St. Peter replies, “Hmm, good question, let me check,” and walks away. The couple figures he’ll be back shortly, but it’s been a half hour and he’s still not back. Six hours, still not back. The next day, still not back. A week later, still not back. Four months later, St. Peter finally comes back and says, “Yes, you can get married in heaven.” The couple is happy, but then they ask, “St. Peter, that’s great, but what if it doesn’t work out? Can we get divorced in heaven?” St. Peter just looks at them for a second and explodes. “GIVE ME A BREAK! It took me FOUR MONTHS to find a priest, and now you want me to find a LAWYER?”
Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
A: Redundant.
Trial Lawyer is miserable. Can’t win a case, and now, he isnt’ even being retained. He’s alone in his den one night, when Beeazlebub makes an appearance. He guarantees Shyster he’ll win ever case, be awarded every judgment he seeks, and soon, head the biggest firm in NY, with his name on the door. “Just one thing,” says our horned devil. He points to the picture of Shyster’s wife and three lovely children. “Upon their death, the souls of your wife and children will be committed to me for all attorney.”
Shyster sits up, and takes notice. “Hey, ” he says. “What’s the catch???”
For 101 years this word scramble has never been solved by a lawyer
“ticehs”
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool. He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going tonight?”
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, “I’ll screw anybody at any time, any where — your place or my place, it doesn’t matter one iota.”
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, “No s#it!?! What law firm do you work for?”
Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? He gets taller.
A young boy walked up to his father and asked, “Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?”
The father thought for a moment. “Yes son,” he replied, “Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case.”
Last January the heat went out in the courthouse. It was so cold the lawyers had their hands in their _own_ pockets.
My personal favorite comes straight from the mouth of Chief Justice John Roberts:
“I don’t tell lawyer jokes. Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and non-lawyers don’t think they’re jokes.”
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities
Q-What is the difference between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer, both laying in the road?
A-A skunk will have skid marks in front of it.
How much does it cost for engineer brain?”
“Three dollars an ounce.”
“How much does it cost for programmer brain?”
“Four dollars an ounce.”
“How much for lawyer brain?”
“$1,000 an ounce.”
“Why is lawyer brain so much more?”
“Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?”
A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:
“Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn’t you. -$50.00.”
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
“I’m an attorney,” the wincing man said, “and this is going to cost you $5000.”
“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry,” the concerned golfer replied. “But I did yell ‘fore’.”
“I’ll take it,” the attorney said.
Double jeopardy is when a lawyer calls in his partner.
There’s an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight.
Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called “Divorced Barbie”?
A: Yeah, it comes with half of Ken’s things and alimony.
Q: What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside
Mixed emotions is defined as watching your attorney drive off a cliff in your new car!
Professionals were being interviewed for the first manned mission to Mars where there was no return.
The first said all I want is $1 million to leave to charity.
The Second said all I want is $2 million, 1 for charity and 1 for my family.
The people had strongly urged the commission to send a lawyer, which the commission agreed to discuss stating finally a place where a counsel cannot bill, to which the lawyer said I want $3 million.
The Commissioner said why and the lawyer said “I’ll take a million, you take a million and we can just send the first guy to Mars on the last million.”
Did you know that 99% of lawyers give the other 1% a bad name?
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 60?
“Your honor.”
Q. What does a sperm and a lawyer have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.
Old Farmer John was driving his truck along a country road one evening when a Mercedes with four lawyers sped around the curve ahead and crashed into his truck.
Luckily, Farmer John wasn’t badly injured, the lawyers weren’t so lucky. Being a practical man, Farmer John buried the four of them beside the road, said a quick prayer and drove on into town to find the marshal.
FJ: Marshal, I’m afraid I hit four lawyers in my truck. They didn;t make it, so I buried ‘em.
M: My God, John! Are you sure they were dead?!?
FJ: Well, they said they wasn’t, but you know how them fellers lie.
A truck on the way to a pet shop hits a bump in the road, causing two boxes to fall off. One box contains fertile duck eggs; the other contains fertile snake eggs. Every egg is smashed, except for one in each box. It’s a warm sunny day so the two remaining eggs hatch. After they hatch, the little duckling and little snake notice each other.
“What just happened?”, the snake asks the duck. “I’m not sure, but think we just hatched from our eggs”, the duck replies.
“Wow”, says the snake, “here we are, and we don’t even know what kind of animals we are”.
“Well”, says the duck, “we can try to guess”. “I’ll give it a shot”, responds the snake.”
“You’re yellow, fuzzy, have a bill, and wattle when you walk: you must be a duckling”. “I think you’re right!”, the duck replies.
“I’ll give it a shot too. You’re slimy, spineless, low-to-the-ground, and have no balls: you must be a lawyer!”
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a hooker? The hooker doesn’t screw the dead.
A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:
“Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn’t you. -$50.00.”
“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?”
said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose
to his feet.
“Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” inquired
the teacher with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you
standing up there all by yourself.”
